Lawyer Jokes

How do you tell if it is REALLY cold outside?

A lawyer has his hands in his own pockets

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At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question.

"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, "I’ve got to ask you. What’s with the pocket business?"

"Oh," said the man, "I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough."

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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.

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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.

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What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.

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Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand

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You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

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What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.